By: Allyssa and Emily Miller
Remember that time when some girls posted a want ad for Fall Boyfriends on Craigslist? Well, my friend Emily and I were so mad that we didn’t think of doing that first. Constantly flipping and flopping about whether or not I even want to ever date anyone, I still thought the advert was too funny and too perfect to not love and also laugh over, even for the relationship cynical/challenged.
Well, we decided that with funtivities returning for the spring time, perhaps now we should put out our ad for the perfect Spring Boyfriend requirements.
Just a matter of days ago, the groundhog informed us that spring is coming soon! Rejoice! No more snow shoveling! No more salting the driveway! No more slipping and sliding to the mailbox while you check if your retail therapy from Amazon.com arrived yet! No more thinking about how the only cuddle buddy you had all winter was an extremely disinterested cat!
We made it without winter boyfriends…
But who will join us for spring activities?
Winter is coming to a close before you know it! Temperatures will be getting warmer! The sun will shine for more hours in a day!
POSITION OPEN IMMEDIATELY FOR SPRING BOYFRIENDS
- On the first day that it is warm enough to spend extensive time outdoors, we will need boyfriends to hike with us and hold our hands as we climb over and through some of the more difficult terrain.
- Beer gardens and outdoor wine tastings are going to start popping up all over the place. Your mission is to come with us and drink. Please don’t drink too much. But also don’t judge the amount of wine that we can drink. It’s been a long winter and we’ve been practicing.
- Nature walks are all the rage in spring. Adore us as we coo at the animals emerging from their winter hiding places. Pick a daffodil or 5,000 for us. Take in the beautiful scenery – and yes, we’re partially referring to us.
- Sometimes, it’s going to rain. Please offer to hold an umbrella for us, which we may refuse, because we’re women, not weaklings, but we will appreciate the sentiment. We may also jump in all of the puddles. Please join us.
- If things work out well, you could potentially become “summer boyfriends.” What cooler way is there to prep for this than by starting a garden together in the spring? Let’s get dirty! In the garden. I mean literally. Let’s get dirt under our nails and accomplish something that will continue to give us joy throughout the warm season.
- Spring marks a very important season for us. It’s kitten season. That’s right. Please don’t roll your eyes at us when we ask to go to animal shelters and hold baby animals. As a matter of fact, if you love animals, especially kittens, you will excel at this job. If you have your own pet, and let us play with it, you will certainly succeed.
- Spring training has begun! Baseball opening day is rapidly approaching! Let’s catch a game together, where we can hang out in the warm sunshine, drink a beer, and eat a humongous and over-salted pretzel. Aviators required.
- When we’re walking around outside, hand in hand obviously, we may come upon a farmers market. We love food, and you should also love food. A farmers market is food on the go, it’s fresh, and it supports our local economy. You better be ready to taste test every pickle in the barrels and buy a huge bag of candied nuts and buy all the veggies (that we aren’t already trying to grow in our garden).
- Sometimes, it’s still raining, because that’s what happens in spring. You should be perfectly ok with spending a day just hanging around the house and watching the rainfall. Obviously we will have food, probably from the farmers market. Maybe a movie will also be playing. The point is that some days we just need to relax and be able to enjoy each other’s company and conversation as we hear the rain on the roof. Be prepared, however, to go rainbow hunting as soon as the sun comes back out!
- Ok, let’s be real, we really like food. So we also need boyfriends who like to eat outdoors. Yes, picnics. You should enjoy eating, and occasionally sharing your bread with the ducks and their adorable ducklings. Drawing skills required, because if there is blacktop nearby, you can bet we will want to bring out the chalk and make some sidewalk art.
Hunters, Donald Trump supporters, anyone who hasn’t seen The Office or read Harry Potter need not apply.
Must have equally fabulous best friend, as we are fabulous best friends and may want to do some double dating.
Wardrobe must include rain boots, aviators, open toed shoes when the occasion calls for it, sweatpants for us to borrow and occasionally sleep in.
Resemblance to a Disney prince is appreciated but not necessary.
College graduate, Ivy League desired, but willing to accept others who make up for it in skill set.
Must be able to use the with reckless abandon and sometimes the perfect amount of sarcasm.
Other skills: Must know how to cook for a small group of people, take care of animals, have extraordinary taste in music to match our own, take the perfect selfie (again, sometimes requiring perfect sarcasm) and/or Instagram with hilarious caption.