Why The Wedding Registry Shouldn’t Be Taller Than Me

By: Emily Miller

No matter what social media site I am on, I am seemingly surrounded by weddings. Friends, classmates and co-workers younger and older than me are all getting engaged/married/ or even having kids.

Though I am genuinely happy for them, I can’t help but feel terrified and completely out of place. I can’t even cook a pop tart in the morning without burning it. How are my friends at that point in their lives?

Nothing made me feel more inadequate than when I started shopping for wedding presents. I innocently walked up to the wedding registry machine and hit print to view the list. It then proceeded to print.

And print.

And print some more.

Just when I thought the machine would collapse from sheer exhaustion, it finally stopped printing.

When I picked up the list I discovered, to my utter horror that it was, in fact, taller than me. I know I am only 5’1, but still. THE WEDDING REGISTRY GIFT LIST WAS TALLER THAN ME.

IMG_0555.JPG
Real photo of the list. 

I will be the first to admit that I know nothing about weddings, but I believe that the wedding registry list should not be taller than me. Here’s why:

1. It represents all the wrong values. Weddings should be about taking that next step with the person you love, not about how many toasters/wine glasses/gravy dishes you get. While I do not have a snazzy graph to correlate my reasoning, I’m pretty sure the more expensive a present is, does not directly correlate with happiness.

2. No one needs that much stuff! When you and your partner move, do you really want to load up all of those presents? Or, worst case scenario end up on an episode of Hoarders with multiple toaster ovens and blenders?

3. It’s completely outdated. In the past, people used to live with their parents until they were married. Nowadays, most couples have already moved in with each other before getting married. Even if couples don’t live together, I doubt I’m the only one whose mother went on a registry-worthy shopping spree at Home Goods when I got my first apartment.

4. Same rules as the library: only take what you can carry.

5. It brings up everyone else’s insecurities. I admit it, as a single 25 year old, I couldn’t help feel confident with my life as I bought my soon to be married 25 year old girlfriend a very romantic waffle iron. For her kitchen. In her house. To be used with her husband.

All I have in my possession is a Netflix account and a fat cat.

6. I get it, the wedding scanner is really fun to use. Doesn’t mean you should go trigger happy and scan everything in sight.

7. The couple is obligated to keep all of the gifts. Because you know Aunt Martha will look for the very expensive set of knives she got you the minute she enters your home. Try explaining to her that you returned them right after the honeymoon because you changed your mind. Yes, I’m sure that will go over well.

8. You probably could have bought those things for yourself if you just celebrated with a big backyard barbecue.

9. Just because everyone else did it, doesn’t mean you have to as well. I know the thought process is “Everyone else had a registry so they could get crap, why can’t I??? I want new towels!!!” That does not mean you have to carry on the tradition. Start a revolution, break the viscous cycle.

10. A lot of stereotypical items on the list are actually pretty useless. Corn holders anyone? Or my favorite, a lemon squeezer.

11. A long list of presents is only adorable when small children are presenting it to Santa. Two fully grown adults with jobs obligating friends who are broke/jobless/still in school/no responsibility/drink wine out of solo cups, to buy expensive things for them off a giant list? Not so much.

12. Did you really earn those gifts by giving your guests rubbery chicken and a tacky favor? At the very least, have an open bar.

13. Everyone knows you’d rather have the cash.

Despite what this list may imply, I am not in favor of completely getting rid of the wedding registry. I just believe that it should be short (less than 5 feet tall) and sweet and catered to the couple.

If the couple really loves dessert, then make the list all about getting that ice cream maker, baking sheets and a cake dome.

Or if you want to have a registry, but you don’t want your friends to hate you, there are websites, like www.honeymoonwishes.com where you can have your friends pay for specific things on the couple’s honeymoon.

Now I’m going to stop here, before this article becomes taller than me.

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